Of relationship and second innings

While giving your relationship another chance, there are some ground rules you need to lay down
So you’ve decided to give your partner a second chance. Whether you broke up because (s)he cheated on you, or you just fought too much, the reasons can be numerous. But when you’ve decided to work things out, the core problems everyone faces while getting a relationship back on track are the same.Trust, patience and a lot of love — the pillars that you based your relationship on the first time around have to mended and made stronger than ever before. Our experts let you in on how to defuse the emotional mines that are waiting to devastate your relationship again.
Pace it out
Every relationship that has been given a second chance needs a cooling period. But after the irrational fights, rational discussions, and all the venting is done, it might seem like things are back to normal. But that was the easy part. Now, life will happen. Clinical psychologist Salma Prabhu says, “The mantra here would be to go with the flow, not keep very high expectations, keep working on yourself and avoid getting into the blame game.
Whatever you do, do not say, ‘I knew this was not going to work’. Do not try and do things for him or her which you will not be able to sustain in the long run. The key is to keep things normal.”
You should work on the issues that led to the breakup rather than try and win your partner with grand gestures. So if communication was an issue, don’t go buy diamond rings. These issues will come up again, though it seems like the relationship has gotten better. “A couple who was dating for three years found that they fought a lot,” says Salma, “and decided to split. However they soon realised that they were not able to find any other person as they kept looking for the good qualities that they had seen in each other in every person they met. Both decided to work on the issues due to which they fought incessantly and are back again together.”
Cheater
Now, if you are giving your cheating partner a second chance, things get tricky. There are two kinds of cheaters — one is a one-time, moment-of-weakness cheater; and the other is a habitual cheater. For the former Salma advises, “Things should be kept normal. No special efforts should be made to keep a track on the movement of your partner with the opposite sex. There is not point in issuing warnings and obsessing over signs.” Trust has been affected, and this needs to be won over by both the parties in a relationship. For the latter, you need serious counselling to sort it out, and break the pattern.
In the bedroom, Salma has observed that it usually takes less than three months for things to get back to normal. Do not sleep with your partner just because you think (s)he is going to look outside. Give it time, and get under the sheets only when you are comfortable. “Men take longer to forgive,” she feels.
Residual issues
Now, it’s not only the core issue of the breakup that is problematic. There are the hundreds of other small niggles that will seem bigger the second time around. Don’t expect them to disappear, because they will crop up again.
Doubt that
Salma tells us about one relationship that broke up because the husband just could not stick to the promises he made, from dinner plans to spending time with family. The reasons were genuine but the wife, started generalising and came to a conclusion that he was either doing this on purpose or because he was having an affair. It was only through communicating with him that things got sorted out.
Salma says, “When in doubt, talk, communicate in a rational and sane manner. Many relationships go sour due to assumptions and presumptions. ‘I thought you do not care for me any longer’ can kill a beautiful relationship. Ego can become a source of disaster for many relationships. So talk it out.”
Signs it's still not working
- If your partner insists on quick fixes for the root causes of a break up, maybe it is time to move on. All the issues have to be recognized and dealt with in a realistic frame of mind, and if required, with the help of a professional.
- If things are expected to come to a normalcy level instantly. Patience is essential.
- If your efforts are taken for granted.
- If you feel only one person in a relationship is taking an effort.
Kevin.Lobo@timesgroup.com